1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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