I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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