I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
