Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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