Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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