Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
