When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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