This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
