Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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