Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
