dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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