just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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