Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize