dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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