I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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