Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
