I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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