so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
