Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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