I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
