Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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