omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
