The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
