Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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