just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize