I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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