Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
