So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
sarcasm needs its own font
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
