I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
