She went from zero to smokin in five shots
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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