Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
