forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
