ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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