He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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