I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
