theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize