dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
