saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
