So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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