The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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