today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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