My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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