1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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