The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I did not marry a roomba.
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