Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
