2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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