ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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