My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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