also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just want nice things and good sex
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
