Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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