good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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