nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
