GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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