This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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