Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's shark week go big or go home
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
