OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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