Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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