so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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