I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
