I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize