so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
