I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The Olympian is in my bed
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
