: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
