3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
