Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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