she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
