Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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